


Haunting Refrain

by UnluckyMagician (Zendelai)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Force-Sensitive Finn (Star Wars), Have Faith Readers, Minor Poe Dameron/Finn, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-30
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:08:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22035310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zendelai/pseuds/UnluckyMagician
Summary: Rey thought she had done everything right.Yet she had never felt so empty.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 29
Kudos: 94





	1. Dust

**Part One**

Rey thought she had done everything right.

She had taken down Palpatine and played her role in saving the galaxy. 

She had laid the sabers to rest, and with them, the last of what remained of the legacy of the Skywalkers. 

She had taken their name in the hope that she will honour her two masters, and with it, bury deeper the horror of her true lineage. 

Being nobody had been so much easier. 

Yet as she watched the setting of the two suns on yet another barren desert planet, knowing that her work was done, the galaxy was saved, the Resistance had prevailed, the truth of her family had been revealed, and she had survived, she was certain that she had never felt emptier. 

Bathed in the orange and red glow of the suns, she collapsed onto her knees, arms wrapped around her torso. Beside her, BB-8 gave a concerned whirr. 

* * *

She laid in an uncomfortable borrowed bed, her gaze fixed on the stone ceiling while she counted dust motes. 

The sand and stone absorbed all ambient sound, and in the utter silence, she couldn’t sleep.

Her thoughts drifted to the cave on Ahch-To, the time when she had known she had never felt so lonely before. 

That day, she had jogged back to her hut, damp and shivering, and had called for Ben.

He had come.

She closed her eyes and recalled him in that moment. His dark eyes that saw her the way that no one ever had; his steady, proffered hand; the masked surprise in his lips when their hands touched.

In the stone hut on Tatooine, she reached her hand forward into the open air, trying to call to him through the Force as she had only done once before. 

Closing her eyes, she whispered, “Ben,” her voice low as to not wake the sleeping droid beside her. 

Around her, the Force trembled with her effort. Together in her mind she pulled together each piece of him: his warm eyes, his trembling lips, his aquiline nose, his constellation of freckles, his broad chest; his patience, his warmth, his kindness, his understanding, all buried by the darkness for decades before it had emerged at their goodbyes. Even his darkness she called, that which had always encapsulated him like a raging storm, wanting any part of him to be there with her. 

“Be with me.”

When she opened her eyes, she saw nothing but stone and dust.

And she knew in that moment, _this_ was truly the loneliest she had ever been. 

* * *

What, now, was her purpose?

This question plagued her as the days passed on Tatooine.

On Jakku, her purpose had been survival and patience; and, if she were being honest with herself, as she found herself doing more often these days, denial. 

On Ahch-To, it had been discovery. Learning of the Jedi, of herself, of Ben. 

On Ajan Kloss, it had been training and refinement. Honing herself into a Jedi.

But now, with the Sith abolished, the Jedi were purposeless. _She_ was purposeless.

Poe had ensured that she received a steady funnel of Resistance credits, so she focused on existence, of answering the question of purpose. 

Out of a fear of atrophy she still trained every morning. 

She meditated, too. At first she thought of the practice as a way to connect with the Jedi and the Force, but in a continuation of her attempts to be honest with herself, she knew there was only one part of the Force that she wanted to connect with. 

Her dyad. The pitch that rose to meet hers in the song of the Force. 

Yet the song remained incomplete.

It was a thought that plagued every moment of her menial tasks, the sort of tasks whose familiarity had once brought her a sense of calm. 

For she was becoming increasingly aware of one vital fact, one which informed her that even when she was able to determine her purpose that her life would remain unfulfilled. 

When the other half of her dyad had fallen, part of her had fallen with it. The song was empty, hollow, and incomplete, as she was. 

When Ben had died, part of her had, too. 

And if he never came back, neither would she. 


	2. Darkness

Victory felt empty.

They had won against Palpatine and saved the galaxy, but to obtain it, she had lost so much. In the year since BB-8 had rolled onto her doorstep, she had gained and subsequently lost Han, Luke, Leia, Ben. The family she had always wanted, taken from her as quickly as she had them.

At least when there had been failures, there had been lessons learned, too. There had been hope for a better future to hold onto; but now the better future was here, and it was nothing that she wanted. 

If victory meant loneliness, she wondered why she had once wanted so badly to win.

* * *

She rose with the suns, making her way outside to begin her daily training with her staff.

It was all pointless, really. But what else was she supposed to do with herself?

She ran across the desert, feeling the sand shift beneath her thin boots. The monotonous expanse was painted with vibrant hues of red and orange as the slumbering land woke. 

Reaching her now-familiar line of barren trees, she readied her staff and began her routine. 

While her muscles warmed up with the well-known movements, her staff whistling through the dry air, she allowed thoughts to creep in that she had been trying to evade. 

She had expected that victory would provide the solace she desired. That taking on the Skywalker name would abolish her tarnished bloodline. That burying the sabers would bring peace to those that she so deeply cared about. 

Yet she had no solace, she was still a Palpatine, and she feared that she would never be able to bring the peace to the Skywalkers and Solos they so dearly deserved. 

Even after he had come to the light, after only hours of freedom from the darkness, Ben would never have the peace that he deserved. And he had spent those hours supporting her, and ultimately giving himself to her. 

What sort of justice was it that he had been granted only a moment of happiness before the galaxy had stolen it from him?

For the first time since Exegol she felt it: anger, buried deep within her. In fear of the darkness, she had buried so many of her feelings; her anger, her sadness, her grief. But as her staff whistled through the air, hitting the plant harder and harder, she allowed herself to succumb.

For she wished to be angry. Angry at Palpatine for taking so much away from her, angry at Ben for sacrificing himself for her when he deserved to live, angry at herself for giving in to Palpatine’s manipulation and goading and nearly letting Palpatine in. 

She spun her staff ferociously and cried out,  _ wanting _ the anger and  _ wanting _ the darkness. She feared the darkness, yes, but it was as much of a part of her as the light was.

So for one solitary moment, she allowed herself to embrace the darkness that swirled within her. The pain and the grief she had been holding in since the losses of both Ben and Leia, the guilt she felt for Ben dying while she lived, the anger that a being as malicious as Palpatine could so fully deconstruct the shreds of a life she had been building, the loneliness that she felt yet again. With short, harsh swings of her staff while the Force darkened around her, she took in and let out each of these feelings. 

Ben was gone.

Ben was dead.

He was never coming back. 

He had seen the light, and he had died for it. 

She would trade herself for him. But if she did, he would feel as empty as she felt now. For he was as much of a part of her as she was of him, and the galaxy had robbed them both of each other. 

With wild energy she screamed and cried in injustice, begging the galaxy to give her back the one person who had ever understood her. 

But even as she let her darkness out, let herself feel everything that she didn’t want to but needed to feel, the light still crept in at the edges like a high tide coming in. The light washed over her, numbing her, pulling her out of her despair.

Although it hadn’t been as early as she hoped, she had turned Ben. She saw the best in him and believed in him and that faith had worked, and for just a moment they had both been happy. Against all odds, she had even made him smile, and it was the most wonderful sight she had ever seen.

With that thought, like clouds drifting from the sun the darkness dissipated, and she came into herself again. 

For a fraction of a moment, she had a distant and unreasonable hope that Ben would come with the light, that he would be there with her. 

But she found nothing but barren, broken plants. 

* * *

Slowly she walked back to the hut that was not hers, gaze darting over the ship that was not hers, where the droid that was not hers worked inside. 

She needed the darkness, yes, but right now, she needed the light more. She needed to find hope in all of this, wherever she could. It was what she had always done. 

“Beebee, I’m heading to Tosche Station for a power converter for the Falcon’s water reclaimer, do you want to come along?”

From within the Falcon, Rey heard muffled beeps of content busyness; she smiled softly. She longed for the days when she had found fulfillment in simple repairs, when she could fix her problems with her hands. 

“Right, I’ll be back in a bit then.”

On one of their first days here, she had cobbled together a speeder from whatever she could find so the two of them could get into town and back. It was slow and puffed out black smoke, but it got the job done.

She fired up the speeder, pulled down her well-worn goggles and headed into town. 

Town was, she had discovered early on, a loose definition of the word. It was a singular station that served their basic power needs and little else, but it was preferable to spending several hours crossing the desert to go into Mos Eisley. 

When she was half a mile outside of the station, her gaze was drawn eastward to a rare congregation in the middle of the desert. 

The hairy form of a bantha was on its side, circled by two human men who she quickly recognized as Aion and Venn Tosche, the owners of the station. Both men had their hands on the bantha’s side, and as she neared and turned off the speeder, she could hear them speaking in low, hushed tones. 

“Is she alright?” Rey asked softly as she approached the bantha. 

Aion shook his head. “We were attacked by sand people bringing a shipment back to the station. She… took a nasty hit.” 

Rey stepped closer, peering at the fallen beast. She could see the animal’s breath rising and falling erratically; circling towards her front, Rey saw the gaping wound at the bantha’s stomach, spilling blood onto the sand. 

Her heart in her throat, Rey kneeled before the bantha, tentatively placing her hands beside the wound. Venn started, but out of the corner of her eye she could see Aion place reassuring hands on Venn’s shoulders. 

“It’ll be alright,” Rey cooed softly, closing her eyes. 

The Force came to her quickly, the light channeling its way through her hands and into the bantha. In her mind’s eye she envisioned the wound closing, the power from within her and without her bringing energy to the animal. Each time she healed it became easier; this time it was almost effortless, and when she opened her eyes, the bantha was already moving in an attempt to stand up.

Aion gasped. “Kriff, Venn, did you see that?” 

“Our girl,” Venn muttered, crouching down to smooth the hair on the bantha’s head. Looking up at Rey, he said, “She’s been with us for nearly fifteen years now. I thought we’d lost her. We can’t thank you enough. How can we ever repay you?”

“This is enough,” Rey murmured, running her fingers through the bantha’s soft coat.

With a rush of clarity, Rey understood.

This was her purpose.

Not to harm, but to heal. 

Her chance to heal Ben -- to heal herself -- had passed, but it was something she could give to others. 

It wasn’t everything, but it was a start. 


	3. Tunic

Rey’s hair whipped behind her as she pushed the speeder towards Luke’s old home on Tatooine, only slowing when she spotted the Falcon on the horizon. 

“Beebee!” she called out excitedly as she slid the speeder to a stop while turning it off. “We’re heading back to Ajan Kloss.” 

The droid let out a whirr of joy at the prospect of seeing Poe again, taking a few turns in the sand before rolling back up the ramp to start up the ship. 

Taking in a deep breath, she turned to give one last sweeping look at the desert planet. 

She has to leave this place. Tatooine was stagnation, and Ben didn’t give his life for her for her to live in his uncle’s childhood hovel. He gave his life so she could live and do good for the galaxy.

Although she couldn’t have Ben, she could do right by him.

One last time, she closed her eyes, feeling the dryness in the air as it passed through her nostrils. 

It was time to see green again.

It was time to be on a world teeming with life again.

* * *

The ship woke around her, its old bones creaking and its sallow skin brightening as the dim lights flickered on. Beebee buzzed past her feet, trying to help get them in the air as quickly as possible.

Rey laughed softly. “Alright, alright, we’re going. Get the hyperdrive warmed up and I’ll meet you up there.”

It was a comfort to feel a ship come to life beneath her fingertips, especially one as old as the Falcon. Over and over again they ran it ragged; over and over again it stayed with them, proving its worth. 

With just the flick of a few switches and a slip of a slider, they rose into the air, unceremoniously leaving Tatooine behind.

* * *

Once their course was set and they were flying at light speed through the stars, Rey made her way to the back of the ship to the room she had claimed as hers.

She had few possessions with which to fill a room, even a tiny room on a small ship like the Falcon. But she kept her X-wing helmet and her ramshackle pilot, a few rations she still had on hand from Jakku, the vest given to her by Leia, her staff, her sabre, and --

Ben’s tunic. 

She hadn’t taken it with her when she disembarked on Tatooine, initially believing that she would just be dropping off the sabres and then heading off to who-knew-where. 

Tentative steps took her towards the bed where the tunic was gently splayed out, the arms so long that they dropped off the sides of her bed, the neck loose and worn. She reached down to feel the soft fabric between her calloused fingertips; it felt ragged, almost threadbare, like it had been a piece of comfort for him even in his darkest days. 

Rey lifted the tunic off the bed and, after making a furtive glance around the room to ensure that she truly was alone, lifted it to her face and inhaled deeply.

_ Ah.  _ The smell of him assaulted her; the tang of his sweat from running to her side, the clean scent of his well-laundered clothing, the crisp notes of sage and cedarwood that were so distinctly his. 

Feeling sheepish, she slipped the tunic over her head and slid her arms through, wanting to envelope herself in his smells, wondering how huge it would be on her. 

She closed her eyes, and his Force surrounded her like a thick cloud. 

She gasped; the Force began to flood her with his memories.

_ His mother’s rough voice, singing him a gentle but off-tune lullaby. She stops when her comm rings, gently laying him in bed to answer the call. _

_ The warmth of his father’s lap beneath him; the sharp smell of metal and something faintly smoking; the ping of a distant alert. The way his hands shape around the steering wheel; his voice ringing out in the otherwise empty cockpit, “Will the Falcon be mine someday?” His father’s wry retort, “Not while I’m around.” _

_ He’s running in a field of wildflowers, their perfume heavy, waving a wooden stick in front of himself like a sword. “Time for dinner!” Leia calls. “A few more minutes!” he calls back. _

_ Chewie’s growl echoing through the ship, the Dejarik table trembling as the wookie stands up before stomping away towards the cockpit. “Do you want me to let you win next time?” Ben asks, smirking.  _

_ Waking up bathed in a cold sweat from yet another nightmare, where the darkness creeps in but he is alone and unable to stop it until it swallows him whole. His slippered feet brush against the metal floors as he makes his way towards the kitchen to get a glass of water, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. The sound of his parents arguing stops him; his mother is confronting his father about yet again being gone for a month. Their voices snap and crackle like the beginning of a thunderstorm and Ben slumps against the wall outside, listening to the now-familiar sounds until it lulls him to sleep.  _

_ “Again, kid?” Han asks, dabbing a gangly teenage Ben’s forehead with a bag of ice. “He started it,” Ben grumbles, rubbing his reddened knuckles. His father is frowning, but says nothing. So many times, Ben thinks that Han doesn’t know what to do with a son.  _

_ His uncle watches him train, his brows fixed in their seemingly permanent furrow. The Force tells Ben that Luke is scared of him. Something even deeper tells Ben that he should be.  _

_ He’s awake. He can’t sleep; he’s plagued by nightmares again. Nightmares of him on a dark throne, the most powerful man in the galaxy. Even worse, there’s the voice buried so deep inside him that wants the nightmare.  _

_ “You’re so easy to read,” Snoke is sneering. “You display your every emotion like a child. It’s a weakness that others will manipulate.” Ben wears a hastily crafted mask to their next training session; Snoke laughs at the sight of it, but at least he cannot see the hasty tear that streaks down Ben’s cheek. _

_ He is on the ground and his hip aches from the impact. Snoke towers above him, lips turning down in disappointment. “You will never have the power you seek. Your mighty Skywalker blood is tainted by the weakness of Solo.” Ben should be angry at Snoke, but he is not. Snoke is right. Instead, he is angry at his father.  _

_ Kylo is powerful. He is only secondary to the Supreme Leader. But that is only for now, he knows; soon, Kylo can overthrow him, too. And finally, he will be free.  _

_ He speaks to Vader, for he has no one else to speak to. No one understands how alone he is. No one else understands how he is a man sown in two. No one else understands that he has no choice.  _

_ There is a girl. She is lonely, as he is. She sees him.  _

_ For the first time in years, he dreams of something other than destruction or power. He dreams of her. _

_ Their hands touch. Against everything that he has ever wanted, everything he has ever allowed himself, they touch. And he sees her. He sees a lonely woman, lost in the desert. He sees her wonder at every small thing the universe has denied her. He sees her compassion coming out of every part of her, overwhelming the sadness and loneliness deep within. He sees her strength, with so much more than just a saber. He sees her eyes - more than just brown, they’re green and blue as well, entire ecosystems contained within them. They’re pretty, he realises. It is a word he has not thought of in longer than he can remember.  _

_ She denies him. She is blinded by her compassion, by her friends. But he will show her the way, in time. She will see. _

_ He hates her. She defeated him, she denied him, she made him a fool. But he cannot destroy her. He can do nothing but think of her. Miss her. Wish he could feel their bond again. _

_ She is saving him. He should be dying but she would not allow that. She looks at him, and he sees more than just compassion for another being in her eyes. She sees him. She sees Ben.  _

_ He is Ben. And he will save her. There is nothing else in the galaxy that matters.  _

_ By his hands, she is alive. He is weak, he is fading, but she is alive. Nothing matters other than knowing that the galaxy will know another day with her in it. Her light will spread to every corner. He does not matter, for that light will spread, and that is what matters.  _

_ He is fading. But she is smiling. His heart speeds in his chest, knowing it is for him and him alone.  _

_ She is kissing him, and he has never known true happiness until this moment. She sees him, she knows him, she loves him. It is too much for him to believe, that someone as good and right and kind and beautiful as her could love him. But she does, and her lips are a warm salve on his soul’s every wound. His hands claim the gentle curve of her neck, the warmth of her side.  _

_ He is smiling. He has not smiled in years. He is smiling because of her. _

_ He is fading. He -- _

Rey’s eyes snapped open; they were wet and hot with overflowing tears. 

They were so similar, her and Ben. His joy was her joy; his anger was her anger. 

And now she has to face all of it alone.

Still wearing the tunic she curled up in her small, hard bed. Sleep came and went as quickly as lightspeed skipping.

* * *

With more than a small amount of wobbling before finally settling on the leafy ground cover, the Falcon touched down on Ajan Kloss with a hiss like a long, tired sigh. 

Unsurprisingly, Finn was already waiting for her at the makeshift port, his hair rustling in the wake of the Falcon’s landing gusts. 

“Rey!” he called out before she had fully embarked from the ship. “You’re back!”

“Finn!” she cried back, taking a few jogging steps before pulling him into an embrace. His excitement and warmth began to seep into her bones, easing the despair that kept creeping into the corners of her days. 

She knew that, no matter what happened, Finn would always be there waiting for her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to my wonderful friend J, who assisted with some of the Ben memories.


	4. Master

Across from Rey, Finn sat cross-legged, his discomfort evident in his fidgeting.

“You don’t like sitting cross-legged?” Rey asked, smiling softly.

“It’s just so…” Finn wiggled around until he had one leg bent in front of him and another tucked beneath him, his arm slung over his knee. “This is better.”

Her voice low, Rey said, “There’s something we need to talk about.” Finn nodded, his attention immediately focused on her. “Something we should have talked about a long time ago. But I was…”

“Busy saving the galaxy?” Finn asked with a smirk. “Becoming a Jedi? Being a little too interested in the Supreme Leader?”

Rey’s jaw dropped. Had she truly been that obvious? She began to stammer. “I --”

“Rey, please. You’re my best friend. It’s not my thing, but --”

She held her hand up to cut him off, feeling thoroughly embarrassed by the threat of tears in the corners of her eyes. “We’ll talk about that later. But first -- you.

“Finn, what do you know about the Force?”

He blinked in surprise -- clearly that wasn’t where he was expecting their conversation to go. But why else would she bring him out in the middle of the jungle to her old training spot? 

“What Han told us.” He shrugged. “And you, and Leia. Energy of the universe, lets you throw people around when they try to stop you from fighting with your boyfriend again, that sort of thing.” He raised a defiant brow at her. 

“You aren’t going to let me live that down, are you?” 

“Nope,” he replied smugly. 

“Then I won’t live down that you and Rose kissed -- and that instead of telling her the truth, you just treated her like nothing happened.” 

“The truth?” Rey felt the smallest flicker of anger within Finn’s Force. She had to hold in a smile -- whether he knew it or not, he was becoming more attuned to the Force. 

Deadpan, she threw his words back at him. “Finn, please. You’re my best friend.”

Through gritted teeth, he grumbled, “We’ll talk about that later.”

Rey rolled her shoulders and straightened her back. “Back to the topic at hand. Finn, back on Pasaana, you wanted to tell me something. Through the Force, I could feel your worry. Because the Force is something that’s in all of us. It is in you, in me, in the trees around us, in the dead leaves on the ground. It is the essence of the cycle of life and death. It binds us all.

“The Force is within all living things, and things that were once living. And although all of us are part of the Force, not all of us can feel it. Not all of us can use it. But I  _ know _ you can, Finn. I can feel the power of the Force within you.” She reached forward, his gaze following her hand, and pressed her palm to his chest. His gaze snapped back up to meet hers. “Can you feel it?”

“Yes,” he breathed. “I can feel it, in everything. But in people…” His focus was fixed on hers, intense and unbreaking. “I can feel it so strongly in people, Rey. When you were on Exegol, I could feel your Force flicker out. It  _ hurt _ . When I was on Jakku, back with the First Order, I could feel the Force of all of those innocent people we were killing. For a while I thought it was compassion, but Rey, I just  _ know  _ it’s something more.”

“It is. I’m certain.”

He seemed to deflate with relief, his gaze falling and his chest relaxing. “Can you show it to me, Rey? Show me what to do with this? Right now it’s just feelings, almost like hunches. But I think if I tried to focus on it, it could be something useful.”

“Close your eyes, Finn.”

He obliged and she stood, pacing around him, her boots whispering across the ground cover. 

“You feel the Force within you, the Force within me. That Force binds you and I together, and it binds us to the rest of the galaxy. Take that Force you feel and reach outside of yourself with it. Feel the air we’re breathing pass through your lungs, feel the Force radiating out of the trees and leaves around us. Feel the life coming from the ground, feel the bones buried deep within the earth beneath us.

“The Force is not just light, it is not just good. The Force is within everything in the galaxy, the good and the bad, the light and the dark. They coexist, both diametrically opposed and in harmony. They can’t exist without each other. There is darkness within me, and there is darkness within you, too.”

Finn’s brow furrowed with worry, but she continued.

“Darkness within ourselves is something we have to accept. We need to stay within the light, yes, but do not be ashamed of the darkness. It is something we all have.”

Slowly Finn’s eyes opened, but his brows remained stitched together. “Why are you telling me all of this?”

Rey’s pacing stopped and she sunk to a seated position in front of him again. “I know the Force, Finn. And I can show it to you. But I won’t teach you that there is only light. You need to understand and accept the idea of darkness, too. You need to learn the balance between them.”

“Is this because of Kylo Ren?” 

“Not everything is about Ben,” she snapped, her Force sparking. Finn leaned back infinitesimally. “But maybe he wouldn’t have been as drawn to the darkness if he understood it.”

“So he’s Ben now?”

Even though she didn’t recall doing it, she was standing again. She worked to keep her voice even as she said, “A lot happened on Exegol that you don’t know about.” 

“If you told me, maybe I could understand. Or try to. All I can feel is so much... grief.” The softness of his response tempered some of her anger, leaving her only with the unwelcome desire to be alone, even though she knew that being alone was the last thing she should want right now.

“I have so much to tell you, Finn. But it’s not easy to explain. Or to accept.”

“I want to try to understand, Rey. Since you left to see Luke, you’ve seemed so closed off. You told me that you tried to turn Kylo, and he wouldn’t turn, but --”

“There’s more,” she whispered.

And her story began to spill out, at first tentative and then rushing like a faucet opening. She hadn’t realised how much she had been hiding from everyone but Ben, but now that he was gone, she needed to tell someone. Finn’s expression remained puzzled, but he listened with rapt attentiveness.

She told him about the bond that developed with Ben; not just the pieces that she had selected for the sake of explanation for the Resistance, but all of it. The way he understood her, the way he shared her loneliness, the way his touch set her veins aflame. She told him every detail of what happened on Exegol, not just how she took down Palpatine but how Ben was there for her, how she kissed him and they had one shared moment of happiness before he faded. 

“I know what Kylo did was horrible.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “But I also know that he was lonely and misunderstood, always covered by the shadow of Palpatine’s manipulation. He was a good man, Finn. A good man who was treated horribly and made some bad decisions. But he saw the light at the end, and he gave up everything to save my life.”

“I have to be honest, Rey.” Their gazes met, and while hers was wavering his was steadfast. “It’s hard for me to see that with everything the First Order did to me. They took me as a kid and tried to brainwash me into becoming a soldier. Me, and Jannah, and so many kids just like us. Just because he helped you, doesn’t mean he’s a good guy now.”

“You haven’t seen into him like I have. You haven’t seen the horrors he’s gone through. But…” Her tears were flowing steadily now. “Maybe he could have become a better man. Maybe he could have come back and done good in the world and tried to fix what he had done. We’ll never know, because he’s gone now.” 

Finn seemed at a loss for words, but what was he supposed to say? How do you explain that you have such a powerful bond with the most feared man in the galaxy? 

But Finn still wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her in for one of his warm hugs, wordlessly holding on until her tears slowed. 

* * *

Once her emotions were back under control, Rey pulled back from Finn. It felt good to allow some of her hurt to leak out, but she knew that moving forward was the only way to try and heal now. 

“I want to teach you the Force, Finn. I trust you, and I know you have a good heart. But the Force isn’t something to be wielded as a weapon. I want you to listen to the Force and respect it. I want you to learn every aspect of it. I think…” Her gaze shifted away from him in shame. “I’ve destroyed enough with the Force, with lightning and sabres. I want to heal, and I want to show you how to do the same. I’ll only teach you if you understand that it won’t be about how to hit people with sabres and make rocks float.”

“Not even a little?”

She returned his sly smile; she couldn’t say no to Finn. “Alright, a bit. But mostly healing, and understanding the Force. We’ll train together, every morning for an hour when you’re on base.”

“Yes, Master,” he replied in a mockingly reverent tone.

“Oh, one more rule? You are not calling me that.”

* * *

Taking a patient pace, Finn and Rey walked back to camp with their elbows linked. 

“So you’re going to talk to Rose, right?” Rey prodded. 

Finn sighed, his gaze wandering towards the darkening skies. “Yeah, it’s just… hard. I’m a little confused.”

“About?” She asked the question even though she already had a good sense of it; she hoped it would help Finn if he verbalized his thoughts. 

“Rose is amazing. She’s smart, and brave, and nice. And I really like spending time with her.”

“But…?”

Finn’s voice lowered. “I think I like someone else. A lot. But I didn’t exactly deal with this stuff growing up, you know? It’s hard to navigate.”

That was something she could understand. Until she met Ben, the concept of romance never fit into her life. Even now it was still something she didn’t entirely understand. But for Finn, she would try. “How does this someone else make you feel? How does being with Rose make you feel?”

They were walking so slowly now that their feet barely shuffled through the grass, but Rey didn’t mind. “Being with Rose… is a bit like being with you. Comfortable. Warm. She makes me laugh and reminds me of what’s important. She’s like family.”

“And this other person?”

“H-- this other person makes my stomach feel light. Makes me feel kinda dizzy. Makes me feel like doing stupid things.” Finn’s words began to come out in a rush. “If this person told me to do something completely wild and dangerous but I knew it was what this person wanted, I’d do it. I think of this person, all the time. I want to learn everything about him, from his boot size to his favourite colour to his favourite planet.”

“Him?” Rey smiled slyly. 

Finn flushed, his gaze darting away. “Yeah,” he muttered. 

Rey tugged on Finn’s elbow to pull him to a stop, waiting to speak until he looked up at her. “I know a lot of this is new for you, and it is for me, too. But one thing I’ve learned in this war is how important it is to show the people that we care about how we feel. You never know if it will be your last chance.”

Vertebrae by vertebrae, Finn’s back straightened. As it did, Rey could see Finn for the man he had become: the brave and capable co-general of the Resistance, and now, Jedi-in-training. 

He was quiet for the remainder of the walk back to base, but he kept his shoulders high and his gaze focused. 

When they emerged from the forest, the base was quiet. The majority of the fighters, Finn had told her, had gone to raid a rumoured First Order hideout. 

“I’m going to talk to Rose. I need her to know that I care about her, just… in a different way, I think.” Finn paused, squeezing Rey’s shoulder affectionately. “You’re a great friend, Rey. And I hope things work out, somehow, for the both of us.”

“Me too.” She pulled him in for a quick hug. “We’ll continue training tomorrow, Finn.” For a few seconds she watched his retreating back before making her way to her tiny quarters on base.    
  



	5. Vision

While Rey spent most of her energy training Finn, she worked to better connect herself to the Force as well. 

Most often, she meditated. 

Through it, she searched the past and the present for patterns within the Force. She was always cautious when training Finn, but she tried to maintain vigilance for any warnings from the Force that she was doing the wrong thing. 

Within the Force, she searched for Ben, too. It was fruitless and foolish, she knew. Were he a Force ghost like his uncle or mother he would have appeared to her by now; or at least she hoped he would. But she couldn’t help the part of herself that was attached to the unresolved note of their dyad. She couldn’t help but hold onto the feeling that the Force was telling her there was more to their story, that he was the other half to her whole. 

She used his tunic as a focus, bringing it to her nose and drawing in a deep breath to collect the scent that remained before she connected with the Force. 

So through the galaxy and the planes she searched for his song. It was a song she knew as well as her own, and in her deepest meditations when she was completely alone, she would softly sing for him. Perhaps like a ship to a siren he would be drawn to her call. 

It was a foolish effort, a waste of time, and never failed to lead her to disappointment, but she tried nonetheless. She would never forgive herself if she didn’t. 

In an act of frivolity in a life otherwise dedicated to survival, she began to let her hair grow out. On Jakku she kept it short so she could easily wear it up and away from her face and neck, but the moderate climate of Ajan Kloss was more forgiving. She enjoyed the act of brushing it every morning and feeling it rest against her shoulders and eventually her clavicles. It made her feel as beautiful as Ben always thought that she was. 

She retired her almost-white garb after Tatooine, as well. The dust had settled so decisively into the cracks that she could never get it back to its eggshell tone again. To honour Leia, Ben, Luke, and herself, she had a slate grey uniform made. The top was sleeveless with lightweight charcoal overlays in her old style, and she kept her cropped pants, boots, and leather accents. She also had a woolen hooded cloak made for when she travelled to cooler climates. 

For the first time in many years, she was making decisions for her appearance based on her own desire, and not what was passed down to her or what was necessary. It felt like taking back a piece of herself. 

While her months passed slowly, Finn thrived. 

The Force didn’t come as naturally to him as it did to Rey or Ben, but Finn worked harder than either of them ever had. Every training session he was early, and every evening after their last meal she spotted him dutifully meditating. 

He had proven to be excellent at reading the Force of others -- he began to gauge their emotions from afar, and could read when someone was in emotional distress. Which happened often on a base filled with those who had fought -- and, in some cases, lost loved ones -- in the war. When she wasn’t training on a diplomatic mission with Commander D’Acy, Rose was the one to check in and offer support. After all, she knew grief intimately.

The ability to heal was coming slowly but surely to Finn. Together they worked on Resistance fighters that returned from skirmishes with pockets of First Order fighters; Finn could take care of the surface wounds while Rey worked on the more severe injuries. As little as she liked to see her people hurt, she relished the feeling of being helpful without having to hit things with a sabre. 

Finn also listened well to the concepts of balance that she taught him. He balanced his time between training, his duties as a co-general, and his new boyfriend.

Judging by the fact that they were rarely seen apart outside of his time spent training with her, Finn’s talk with Poe seemed to have gone spectacularly well. 

Every time she saw them together -- whether they were orchestrating a raid, eating lunch, or sleeping quietly in front of a holovid -- she couldn’t contain her smile. Their happiness together embodied what the Resistance stood for. 

But in her weakest moments, she felt a deep stab of envy when she saw them together. Finn and Poe had what she and Ben could have had: a life spent serving the Resistance, helping the galaxy however they could. They had quiet, unremarkable moments together.

Instead, Rey was the confusing, somewhat scary outlier. With Ben that fact wouldn’t have changed -- it was a burden of the Force -- but at least she wouldn’t have been alone. 

The next day, Rey and Finn were leaving for Ahch-To. There were no Resistance fighters in immediate danger who could require healing, and she had been feeling a pull to return there. Although she didn’t plan on lingering, she hoped it would be beneficial to Finn’s training, and she secretly hoped the draw she was feeling would help her find something for herself there, too.

From a distance, she watched as Poe loaded up his x-wing to take his team on a local scouting run. Poe took two steps up towards the cockpit before Finn grabbed his hand from behind, pulling him down for another goodbye kiss before he left.

She spent the rest of the day meditating after that.

* * *

She couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t uncommon for her to have difficulty sleeping; some nights, the Force was particularly active and kept her attention. But some nights, such as tonight, she felt too burdened by grief and the dreams of what she could have had. 

She took a spot in the middle of a long table in the mess hall, poking at unappetizing rations with her fork, a cooling cup of caf by her hand. She wasn’t particularly hungry, but she had been kept awake by hunger too many times and hoped that being full could lull her back to sleep.

A second before she heard the sound of footsteps, she felt someone approaching. She sat upright, attuning herself to the Force; when she realised it was Rose, she allowed herself to relax again. 

“Is this seat taken?” Rose asked, gesturing to the seat in front of Rey with a knowing smile. Rey smiled back and shook her head softly. It was difficult to feel overcome by guilt, grief, and pressure when she was around Rose. Her Force was all light and healing, with more than a bit of determination. 

“Can’t sleep either?” 

Rose shrugged. “We’re leaving for a big meeting on Corellia tomorrow. I was staying up reviewing my notes and I needed a midnight snack.”

Rey leaned back in her seat, analyzing the woman before her. She had first met Rose after rescuing the Resistance off of Crait; she had always been self-assured, albeit a bit awkward at moments. Now she wore her newfound confidence in her square shoulders, set jaw, and soft smile. Rey had only grown to both like and admire Rose more and more over time. 

“And how does dealing with diplomats compare to dealing with machines?” Rey asked. 

Rose snorted at that. “They’re more stubborn and obstinate than rusty pipes. Everything takes hours of reviewing boring legislation and voting for this small change and that small change.”

“But…”

“Someone needs to do it.” She smiled softly. “And General Organa taught me a lot. And Commander D’Acy needs someone at her side. I was never much of a fighter, so it seems like the best way for me to help.”

“You seem to be doing good work here, too. I’ve been told you’re good to talk to.”

At this, Rose blushed. “Sometimes people just have to know they’re not alone. That someone else understands the way it feels. To be in the war, to lose people.” Through her lashes Rose looked up, appraising Rey knowingly. 

Her voice rough, Rey asked, “What do you usually tell them? To help them?” 

Rose reached forward, covering Rey’s hand, her brown eyes fixed on Rey’s. “I am proud of you for speaking up. You are not alone, and your feelings are valid.” Rose’s words were fervent and her gaze began to burn through Rey; her feelings were so powerful that Rey felt a flicker of something stronger within the Force coming through her. “When you are here, with the Resistance, you are surrounded by those who care about you. Give yourself all the time you need to feel what you need to, and take care of yourself, please.”

Hot tears were burning in Rey’s eyes as unrestrained caring and love poured out of Rose. Rey soaked in those feelings of compassion and kindness, letting them carry through to her bones. Even though the mess hall was empty other than the two of them, right then Rey truly didn’t feel alone.

“If someone needed to hear that,” Rey said quietly, “I think that would be very helpful.”

Rose gave her hand one last squeeze before she leaned back in her chair. “I try. Sometimes you just need that reminder that you’re not alone.”

With deep breaths, Rey pulled herself together again. “So, what do you think about that T-4 update?” 

* * *

She was in the fresher on the Falcon, taking her five minutes of warm water to try and sluice off the remnants of the day. After a long flight they had arrived at Ahch-To, landing amidst its familiar greenery and obnoxious birds. The Force there felt more dense, filled with history and lore, light and darkness. Finn could feel it, too. The sun was setting when they landed, and Finn had gone on a walking tour of the island. He was burning with curiosity about this place, she knew; filled with the history of the Jedi, and the ever mysterious Luke Skywalker. Rey had only requested that if Finn felt the pull of the darkness below the island, to wait until she was with him to heed its call. She wanted to ensure she was there for him during that experience. 

Luke’s words came to her now as she tried to ease her burdens and allow the Force to flow through her. 

_ Clear your mind. _

She took a deep breath and tried to empty her mind of all thoughts, allowing only the raw Force to run through it. She focused only on the cascade of water on her shoulders, the frigid air outside of the fresher, the Force of the memories held within the island around her, the --

She was no longer in the fresher. The change was instant; one moment she was naked in the water, the next she was in the cockpit of the Falcon. It took her a long moment to register exactly what she was seeing, but she came to realise that she saw  _ herself _ sitting in the pilot’s chair, with a broad form that could only be Ben sitting in the passenger seat. She was laughing at something that he said; he smiled and reached towards her, clasping her smaller hand within his. 

From his profile, she could tell that he looked so… happy. Almost carefree. A bit older than when she had lost him, judging by the few grey hairs that adorned his temples. She was older, too; her face was infinitesimally less round, and the lines at the corners of her eyes were more pronounced. 

What  _ was  _ this? What she saw was as clear and defined as if she truly stood there now, a voyeur of her lost happiness. She listened to the sound of her own laughter, so bright it was almost mocking her. 

And without warning she was back in the present, the now ice cold water sloughing down her back. 

“Ben,” she whispered, gripping her chest with one hand while she turned the water off with the other. 

What was this vision? She closed her eyes and willed it to come back, but all she could see was an imperfect imprint of the memory, fading quickly like she had looked at the sun for too long. 

Quickly she grabbed her towel off the hook, wrapped it around her chest, and ran to the cockpit, her wet bare feet slapping against the cold ground. The most dangerous flash of hope was swelling in her chest as she ran. 

When she arrived, skidding to a stop in the doorway, it was as empty and dark as when she had left it.

“Fuck!” she cried out, smacking the doorframe with the side of her fist while the spark of hope burnt out like an extinguished candle. 

While she slumped back to her room on the Falcon, dressing slowly in spite of the cooling temperatures, she reviewed in her head the knowledge from the Jedi texts which spoke of visions.

Of only one type of vision she could recall reading about, one which all Jedi were once able to see but in their waning years, only great masters were capable of achieving.

Visions of the future.

The future was ever-changing, and its visions were not to be trusted, she knew. But her vision had been so  _ clear _ , and for it to occur now --

Was the Force telling her that somehow, her current path was taking her to a future with Ben? 

If it was, how? 

Her hair still cold and sopping weight, she found the box of Jedi texts and sat down on her bed, opening the first page.

She had work to do. 


	6. Burden

“The Ancient Jedi Texts must be more of a page-turner than I remember for you to read them a second time.”

“Master Luke!” Rey nearly dropped the text in her hands in surprise; Luke had not appeared to her since Tatooine. “I’m just… refreshing myself. You know, making sure that I’m teaching Finn all the important things.”

The look he gave her was a knowing one, the type she’d imagined her father would have given her when she was a child who misbehaved. She felt immediately guilty, even though she had done nothing wrong. 

Except for spending too many hours researching how to bring back the Supreme Leader of the First Order.

“I know you, Rey. And I trust you. You’ll teach him the right things.” She smiled softly at him, but her smile turned tense when he continued. “Now, will you tell me what you’re really looking for?”

Force, she couldn’t lie to Luke. Nor did she particularly want to - not when she realised his guidance would assist her, if he was willing.

“Master Luke, I need to know. Is Ben there, with you? As part of the Force?”

In spite of his incorporeal form, the sigh that Luke let out was tired and weary. The mid-day sun was bright as it passed through him, and when he settled into a cross-legged position before her with the sun at his back, his form became even more transparent. Through him, she could still faintly see Finn meditating at a level of the island below them, the caretakers bustling as they worked around him. They had taken to him much more than they had ever taken to her. 

“If you think of life and death as two planets,” Luke began, “then where I am now is the space between those planets. I denied the netherworld of the Force in order for part of me to stay here and guide you, but I knew when I made the decision that the netherworld was waiting for me. I knew it would not wait forever.”

He looked up at her, his expression grave. “Not everyone who is called to the netherworld of the Force denies it as I did. Most embrace it and wish to be at peace. It isn’t a comfortable existence, being part of neither life nor death.”

Rey nodded attentively, but a knot of worry formed in her stomach. 

“I felt Ben pass through the Force. I felt him take his ship through hyperspace and move onto the next planet.”

Rey felt cold.

“Rey, he made a selfless sacrifice and the netherworld of the Force welcomed him with open arms. I could feel it.”

“No,” she whispered. Her vision was flawed. If Luke was right, then Ben was gone, completely and entirely. Why would the Force haunt her with a vision of Ben? Or, the alternative, why would Luke lie?

It wouldn’t be the first time. 

But why would Ben not wish to stay as a Force apparition, at least long enough to say goodbye to her? Had his connection with the dark side prevented him from connecting with the Force? Had he passed through because he had no choice?

A fresh wave of grief washed over her, cold and harsh. She felt like she was drowning, the woman who had grown up always thirsty, the woman who loved the rain. 

“I had a vision,” she choked out through her heavy throat, “of a future where he was alive.”

Luke leaned forward, his palms planted on his knees. “Rey, you need to let him go. I am so proud of you for bringing him back to the light, but he made his decision. He gave his life to keep you alive. He knew you were destined to do good for the galaxy.”

Anger began to flow through her, fire’s flicker in her veins. 

“You always underestimate Ben, even now after he gave everything. I didn’t bring him back to the light, he did that on his own. And he could have done great in the galaxy, too.”

“What do you think would have happened? The moment he was spotted in public he would have been arrested. He would have had to live in exile.”

“At least he would be alive,” Rey snapped. “Something I thought you’d be more invested in, as his uncle who once tried to kill him.”

Luke sighed, his brows pinched so tightly that he truly looked like the old man he had become before he, too, became part of the Force. “Rey, I know there is a connection between the two of you that --”

“We’re a dyad.” Her tears had arrived, hot and fast. “Two halves of a whole. Since he has been gone, half of me has gone, too.”

His brows softening, Luke’s head tilted in a gesture of pity. Rey fought against the impulse to grab her staff and hit something. 

“I had a vision.” Her fingers curled in, and she felt the ground barely vibrate beneath her. “It was Ben, alive and older. So either he is in the galaxy or there’s a way for me to bring him back. I’ll find a way, with or without you.”

“I don’t know how to help you.” Luke sounded exasperated. “Now that he’s turned, I’d rather have him alive than dead. But I know he is not in this galaxy anymore, and I’ve never read about a Jedi bringing anyone back from the dead.”

She hadn’t wanted Ben dead even before he had turned; she had wanted him alive from the moment she saw him, even if she couldn’t explain why. Even if she was angry with him for killing Han and hurting Finn, and even if the need to fight him existed deep within her bones. She never could have killed Ben. 

He continued, “Many of the sith worked to fight death’s clutches. But Rey, you can’t take that path. It was what destroyed Vader and killed my mother. The dark side will take more of you than losing the other half of your dyad ever could.”

“Do you know what loss like this feels like?” Her teeth gritted, she stood. “I hate him but I love him more. I want to fight him but I want to save him more. Now that he’s gone and I can’t do either, I just feel empty.”

“You think I don’t know what that feels like?” Luke was standing too, an instantaneous, discomforting move. “You think I didn’t feel the same way with my father? You need to understand, Rey, that you need to let this go. Holding on will only cause hurt.”

“I want to, but it’s haunting me.” Her voice had lowered to a whisper, and she turned away from Luke’s burning gaze. 

Luke sighed, his voice a whisper of the wind. “It’s the burden of grief.”

Rey fell silent, taking a moment to collect her breath. When she finally looked towards Luke again, he had disappeared.

* * *

“I saw… a squadron of Stormtroopers. Faceless, emotionless, brainwashed. They were marching towards me. I had no weapon, I had to run. If I didn’t, I was going to be killed by the very squadmates I used to spar with. This was AL-5387, who had told me about the crush they had on RI-8852; they disappeared the next day and I never saw them again after that. And it was LF-1444, who had covered for me when I slept in and almost missed training. I couldn’t fight them, either; I could only run.

“But as I began to run, I saw I was running towards a group of people. Children, wearing Stormtrooper training suits. See, we didn’t get full suits till we were around 17. Too expensive to replace them while we were growing. These ones were young enough to not even have helmets. And they were all scared, because the Stormtroopers were marching towards them, not me. No matter who those Stormtroopers were, though, I couldn’t let them attack these kids. I stopped in front of them, and turned around, and --

“They were gone. All the troopers, all the kids. I was alone in a cold cave.”

Finn’s hands were warm within Rey’s when she gave them a squeeze of understanding. “How do you feel?”

“I can’t stop thinking about those kids,” Finn murmured, his voice barely audible over the susurration of the breeze through the tall grass they sat in. “Most of them won’t get a chance to get away like I did. None of them have anyone standing up for them. The Final Order might be gone, but we know there are pockets of the First Order still in the galaxy.” He paused, his lips pursed. “I appreciate what Poe offered, asking me to help him run the Resistance. I do. But I don’t have a head for this stuff. It’s for people who are as brave as Poe, or as smart and determined as Rose. I want to  _ do _ something and use what you’ve taught me.”

“Finn, you need to do what you know is right for you. Not what anyone else tells you is right.”

He reached forward, pulling her into an awkward hug from his seated position. “Thanks, peanut.”

* * *

Rey only wished that it was as easy to listen to her own advice.

She was torn asunder between two paths: the path that was right for her, and the path that was right for the Resistance and the galaxy. 

From the outside, the path that was right for the Resistance seemed to be the sensible one. She had healing abilities that could save Resistance lives, and she had a best friend who wanted to embark on a noble quest to rescue brainwashed children. The most sensible -- and Jedi -- path for her was to heal those on base who needed her, and to help Finn rescue and perhaps eventually train ex-Stormtrooper children. 

The path of the Jedi demanded that she help others and abandon her own desires. After all, over and over again she had been told about her destiny as a Jedi and how they live within her.

How disappointed those generations of Jedi would be if they knew how badly she wanted to follow her heart. 

For her heart screamed for her to chase her impossible vision, to find a way to bring Ben back. To abandon sensibility and nobility on the rare chance that she could find her existence. 

In a life that had been composed of survival and loss, the darkness within her begged for a selfish act. 

The cosmic Force was as torn as she felt. It yearned for the unity of the dyad while also pulling her towards the light. 

So as they returned to Ajan Kloss and the days resumed their torturous pace, she found herself turning to its guidance less and less. It was as unconfident about her path as she, and pushing through its muddled waters only gave her a headache. 

Even though she knew it had to be due to Finn’s influence, she still appreciated that Poe was being patient with her. He sent her on a few local scouting runs but mostly kept her on base, so she could heal or use her junker’s repair skills when needed. Since Chewie had returned to Kashyyyk after the war to heal the wound of Leia’s loss with his family, she was one of the only half-decent mechanics around.

She didn’t mind, though. Fixing engines was always easier than fixing her problems. 

One quiet afternoon she was underneath Poe’s x-wing, elbow deep into its drive motor when she spotted Poe’s confident walk out of the side of her eye. 

“Taking good care of my baby?” he asked with a crooked smile. The two of them had butted heads in the past, but he had an infectious charisma that always diminished her irritations with him. 

Such as the fact that he was currently micro-managing her. 

“Of course I am.”

Hands in his pockets, he casually leaned against the x-wing beside his. “Listen, I’ve got something I need you to check out. Our sensors are picking up activity on Mustafar and I think it’s worth investigating.” 

“Mustafar?” Gently she pulled her now-oiled forearms out of the motor before grabbing a rag to clean herself off. 

“In the Atravis sector. It has Darth Vader’s personal sanctum, and Kylo found one of the wayfinders there.” 

A rush of the Force flowed through her, urging her forward in a way it hadn’t since she had returned from Ahch-To. “Forward me any information you have. I’ll leave tomorrow.” 


	7. Faith

Mustafar was worse than she could have imagined.

While Jakku and Tatooine were barren planets with almost nothing to offer, Mustafar was the embodiment of the darkness in the Force that clouded it. 

It was lava and fire, devouring anything that could have once lived. It smelled foul and had an ashy smog which clouded the distant sun. 

But the worst part of this planet was the way the Force held onto its painful past, flooding her with images of distant despair and desolation. 

She sensed so much… loss. A pain which felt too familiar. A fall to the darkness, and a sense of betrayal. 

Immediately after landing she retreated to her room on the Falcon to meditate, clearing her mind of the Force’s fog. 

Still she had no desire to linger here longer than she had to.

“Artoo, keep an eye on the ship. Hail me if you need me.” Although BB-8 had become her most frequent droid companion, Poe had requested him for a scouting run they were conducting on a potential Stormtrooper training facility in the outer rim, so Rey had opted to bring R2-D2. She didn’t think she could stand the constant chatter from C3PO, but complete solidarity wouldn’t suit either. 

Artoo gave her an affirmative whirr before setting up a perimeter scan.

The atmosphere off the ship was worse than she had anticipated when viewing it through the duraglass. The air was dense with smoke that made each inhale ache and it was incredibly hot. Not the dry heat of Jakku that went away with the sun, but an all-consuming heat that wanted to burn right through her skin.

Immediately she reached out with the Force, trying to get a read on the area, but everything was so shrouded with darkness she was unable to pinpoint any specific activity. With a resigned sigh she began to scout on foot; the scorched vegetation was too dense for her to try taking any sort of speeder. 

It was even difficult to scout on foot here; the ash in the air obscured everything, and the hot wind kept it from settling on anything long enough to allow footprints or other patterns to form. 

After nearly an hour of searching she sat on a fallen log to rest, feeling unusually winded. She closed her eyes to meditate, but had great difficulty finding balance through the heavy pull of the darkness.

So she focused on it.

At first, she thought that the ache and malice associated with this place clouded its every corner, but when she allowed it to fill her, she felt its irresistible pull, pain and promise weaved together. 

It terrified her, as it always did. How badly she wanted to follow. How strongly she knew that she shouldn’t. She stood up and began to follow its call, justifying her decision as being part of her mission parameters.

This place grew more and more ominous as she marched, having to slow down to make her way over the rocky terrain. All she could see was fire, ash and charred bodies on the ground. She took a step closer to the nearest one and saw its torso had a hole burnt clear through it, the signs of a saber evident.

This had to be where Kylo had passed while searching for the wayfinder. 

She closed her eyes and breathed through her nose, trying to sift through the darkness to find his footprint in the Force. The path he had taken was drawn before her, the same direction of the darkness’s pull. When she opened her eyes, she saw that it was leading her towards a tall, black, angular, and sleek building that was almost comical in its ostentatious, foreboding nature. 

It could only be the late Vader’s sanctum. 

The sanctum’s interior was the same as the exterior, barring the absence of ash. It was clearly a place where Vader would come not to rest, but to connect with the darkness of the Force.

Before her was a small dais, undoubtedly where the wayfinder had once slept. The darkest and hungriest parts of Kylo’s Force were everywhere. But the darkness urged her even farther forward. 

Before passing, she briefly rested her hand on the dais, imagining Kylo’s triumph at finally finding the path to Exegol. The darkness that filled him at the time was all-consuming, and the part of him that she knew -- the part of him that was Ben -- had been buried deep beneath layers of resentment and fear. 

The tug within her chest grew more insistent. She moved on.

It brought her to a sleek expanse of wall, guiding her to a barely-there crack in the veneer of its shiny surface. When she pushed on the wall, it moved back. 

Curiosity propelled her forward as she entered the secret chamber. Unlike the rest of the sanctum it was relatively well-lit, and the walls were lined with shelves of texts. Sith, she had to guess, based on the writing. The walls that weren’t covered were gray, and combined with the minimal creature comforts of a few chairs and a table, the room almost had some warmth. 

Rey realised there was a dog-eared and well-worn text laid open on the table. Texts themselves were uncommon enough that she approached it and ran her fingers along its soft pages in curiosity; the Force thrummed from within it, demanding her attention. 

Taking a seat in the most comfortable chair (which was still durasteel), Rey began to leaf through the pages, taking great care to not tear the delicate paper. 

_ A study in the permanency of death.  _

Rey’s mouth ran dry in surprise.

_...Padme has died, but I must learn if there is a way to bring her back… _

Eagerly she flipped, searching for passages that stuck out to her. Luke and Leia had to have a mother, but she hadn’t imagined it could have been someone who he loved so deeply that he needed to bring her back. 

_...Months have been spent collecting and sorting through the texts here, but to no avail. Previous sith have only been concerned with keeping themselves alive, not bringing others back... _

_...I have traveled far beyond the farthest reaches of the galaxy searching for any clues of life beyond death, of a way to bring her back. I have operated in secrecy for my lord would never approve of this work. But I cannot rest until I know that I have done what I can… _

_...There were no answers on Exegol, as I had hoped. I will keep the wayfinder here for safekeeping. I must continue my journey… _

_...I returned to Mortis but it is only ash, no longer the seat of power in the Force it once was. What a waste… _

_...I have consulted with Palpatine, under the guise of asking what I would do were he to fall. He told me that the most powerful sith could give the entirety of their cosmic Force energy to consult with the -- _

“So, my little hailing trick worked then?”

The text teetered out of her lap and fell to the ground when she started at the voice behind her. 

“Who the Force are you?” she stuttered out, fumbling to pick up the text.

An incorporeal hand appeared and lifted the text, placing it on the table. When she looked up, she saw a face where some features were familiar and some weren’t. She saw the same mischievous crinkle around his blue eyes that she saw in Luke, and the same determination to his jaw that she saw in Leia. But the agonizing sadness in the depths of those eyes was so otherworldly and overpowering that it made him almost inhuman. 

There was only one person this could be.

“Vader?”

The corner of his lip rose into a half-smile that did not reach his eyes. He was young, Rey realized, and handsome, even with the scar that bisected his brow. “Call me Anakin.” 

“You brought me here?” Her voice rose with wonder. 

Silently he sunk into the chair in front of her, more out of what she imagined was a force of habit than for comfort. “I’ve been watching you for a while, Rey. I know what you’re trying to do. I want to help you.” 

“You’ve been watching me? Why?” 

“A few reasons. One, you’re the last Jedi, and as a Jedi once myself I feel some responsibility for you. Two, when you’re part of the Force as I am, it’s impossible to ignore the strength of your dyad. And three, he may be a bit of an idiot at times but he’s still my grandson and you’re the only one with a chance to bring him back.”

Rey’s head was spinning. 

“Why did you come to me?” she whispered. “Not Ben?”

Anakin frowned at that. “I tried to reach him for many years. But even when he was hidden, Palpatine’s hold was too tight. I couldn’t get through.” 

The corners of Rey’s eyes began to shine with tears. Palpatine had destroyed Ben in so many ways.

“This --” Anakin placed an open palm on the text, “is a record of all my failed attempts. Because of this, I know how you can succeed.”

“Tell me.” She leaned forward eagerly, her words rushed. 

“I scoured the entire galaxy,” he continued. “With my position in the Empire, I had the freedom and the resources to do all the research I wanted. I had to exercise some caution so the Emperor didn’t know what I was doing, but even if he was suspect, conquering death is the curiosity of every sith.”

Except for Ben, apparently. But he was never truly a sith, was he?

Anakin sounded exhausted as he said, “I tried everything, Rey. I would have given anything to the Force to bring Padme back. But I found there was only one way I could bring her back, and it was a sacrifice I could not make. For if I did, I wouldn’t be able to protect her.” The remorse in his gaze was so heavy that Rey didn’t dare interrupt him with questions while he paused. “The Force can’t be created or destroyed, only changed. When we pass into the netherworld of the Force, we continue existing as part of the cosmic Force, the greater part of the Force which binds and connects all of us. You are part of the living Force; the part of the Force that makes you, you.

“There are some rare and powerful Force users, such as you and I, that can bridge the connection between the cosmic and living Force.”

Her hands were gripping the arms of the chair so hard that her knuckles were turning white. “What do I need to do? Will you show me?”

The eyes fixed on hers were grave, and she could see something that looked like guilt in the downturn of his lips. “You have to sever the Force within yourself, break it into two. Your living Force will stay here, ensuring you stay alive, while your cosmic Force will depart to the netherworld.”

She nodded emphatically and said, “Ok, yes.” 

“However.” Rey inhaled, remembering that Anakin was one of the most powerful Force users in existence and there had to be a reason he hadn’t done this. “This is all theoretical, and there are three potential problems. One is that the netherworld is incalculably vast, and you may not be able to find him once you’re there. The second is that if you do manage to find him, once you’re in the netherworld, you may not be able to come back. The third is that once your Force is severed, it can never be reattached. If you can find him and come back, you will live, but you will lose your connection to the cosmic Force. That part of you that can feel the Force around you will rejoin the Force itself.”

The weight of his words on her shoulders became too heavy and she leaned back, taking a moment to wrap her head around everything he had said.

There was a chance, but it was slim.

“It was why, after I had learned about this, I had never done it myself. If I managed to find Padme and bring her back, I would still lose all my Force powers and wouldn’t be able to protect her. Palpatine would have found out what I had done and would have destroyed us both.” 

“Let me get this straight,” she said. “First, with your instruction I will break myself in two, essentially. Half of me will stay here, and half of me will go to the netherworld. Once I’m there, I have to hope to find Ben. If I find him, I will have to find a way to bring us both back. But once we’re back, the part of my Force that is part of the cosmic Force will leave me forever. I won’t be able to read or use the Force again.”

“That sounds about right,” Anakin replied with a wry smile. 

Silently, she analysed her options. Following Anakin’s instruction to separate her living self from her connection to the Force would be easy, she knew. Her studies within the Force had connected her deeply enough that she felt confident that she could separate those parts of herself. Truthfully, she would miss her connection to the Force: it had taught her so much and brought meaning to her life. But the loss would be worth it. 

From there, she would travel to the netherworld and find Ben. That, she had a feeling, would be easy, too. Ben was her other half, and she could find him across the stars themselves. 

Bringing them both back, though? That would be the tricky part. She knew Ben would be angry if she sacrificed the life he had given her to try and bring him back. But the galaxy didn’t need her as much as Ben had thought it would. It was healing, piece-by-piece like a shattered mirror. With or without her, it would continue to heal. There was no one in her life -- or in the whole galaxy -- who needed her as much as Ben did right now. And there was no one in the galaxy she needed as much as him. 

Besides, the only person she had to have faith in was herself. And, of all people, Darth Vader. 

The smile she sent back to Anakin was equally wry. “I’m in.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-watched the prequels and I have feelings about Anakin okay???


	8. Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I've been watching a lot of Clone Wars?

Everything was ready. Or, as ready as it could be. 

At Anakin’s behest, she was back on Ilum, where not long ago she had crafted her saber. The planet was such a nexus within the Force that Anakin hoped it would help beckon her back once she found Ben. 

In a long series of meditations and training sessions, she had bid goodbye to her connection to the Force. She knew that it would always be part of her, even if she could no longer command it, but all the same, her reliance on it felt strange. Only a few years ago it had been something so deeply dormant inside of her that she hadn’t realized its existence. Then the connection with Kylo had opened the floodgates and embedded his training in her, and what was once latent became something that was now a part of her that she both feared and revered. Now that she was letting it go, she knew that she would miss it, but also hoped she would find herself beyond her Force abilities along the way. 

In the mouth of the cave on Ilum that lead to the Kyber crystal cavern, Rey used a slab of ice as a makeshift dais and tenderly laid Ben’s tunic on top. She wore a layer of wool on top of her usual garb to stave off the cold, and she secured it around her shoulders as she leaned down one last time to breathe in his smell.

“I’ll bring you back,” she whispered. “You deserve more than to die for me. You deserve a chance to live without Palpatine’s influence. Everything else we can figure out along the way.”

At the time he hadn’t known it, but in her own way she had bid goodbye to Finn, too. Just in case. She had told him she was proud of his training, and that he was on his own now while she chased a lead from Mustafar. She told him that, when he was ready, he should try training Rose; while her strength with the Force was subtle, Rey knew it was there. Before signing off, she reminded him that he was her best friend and she loved him.

She had prepared a holo for Chewie, too, and told Artoo to send it if she didn’t return. She knew with Chewie that she didn’t need to say much, but she had to let him know what she was trying to do, and that he was her co-pilot for life. She hoped he would forgive her if he knew she was going to save his nephew. 

These were contingencies, of course. She had hope that her plan would work. But Chewie and Finn were the two most important people to her in the galaxy, and she could never leave them without at least attempting a goodbye. They were both good men and she loved them dearly. 

But there was someone out there who needed her. Someone that only she had not given up hope on. And she would do everything in her power to bring him back.

Her heart was hammering in her ears when she laid her open palms on his tunic, using the essence of his Force as a focus. Summoning all of her training, she began to slip into a meditative state, clearing her mind of everything but the Force’s will. 

Kriff, but it was powerful here. The meditation fell over her like a heavy blanket, plunging her into blackness. She could no longer see or feel her surroundings; all that remained was herself and Ben’s tunic. 

Her breathing steady and her heart calmed, she focused on keeping her hands firmly on his tunic. With every part of the Force that she could feel, she pushed outwards, away from her body that was tethered to the dais. 

Within her gut she began to feel the sensation of being torn apart from the inside out, but before she could cry out, before the pain grew, she was --

A part of the stars themselves.

She could look down and see her corporeal form, still standing, eyes closed, over the tunic. It was an uncomfortable sensation being able to look at herself from outside of her body, but it wasn’t painful. Quite the opposite; she no longer felt the aches and pains of life or the cold of the cave’s air. She felt open, free and without consequence. 

It was more thrilling and less terrifying than she had imagined. She was truly one with the Force, and it flowed unrestrained through her. The past, present, and future existed all at once within her, too fluid to grant her any distinct images but real all the same. 

But she could not let it distract her. She had work to do.

The brightest star in the sky beckoned her, and she followed. 

* * *

It could have been an eon or a millisecond that she traveled; here, time had no meaning. All she knew was the Force was drawing her somewhere, pulling her from her heart and her soul, and she followed its whims. She was being led by a red string wound around her heart, pulling her farther and faster towards inevitability. 

When she attempted to take in what was around her, all she could gather were stars. But as she sensed she was growing closer and closer to the end, she could hear voices, too. 

Her parents, telling her they loved her. Telling her she would be okay. 

Anakin, telling her she was doing great, and to keep going.

Han, calling her kid, telling her he was proud. 

Luke, grumbling about how she was crazy, even though she could hear the smile in his voice.

Leia, asking her to take care of her son.

Their voices gave her the confidence that this decision was the absolute right one. She would ensure their sacrifices for him were not made in vain.

Her heart began to sing, filling her chest with hope. 

She stopped suddenly, and he was there.

She gasped in a mixture of shock and relief, unable to believe that this moment was real. 

Within the stars he floated, his dark hair forming a crown around his face. His eyes were closed as if asleep, and for the second time since they had met, he looked at peace. 

“Ben.” Her whisper was caught in her throat. 

Was it wrong for her to take him from here, back to the pain of the galaxy, for her own selfish needs? 

With a tentative hand she reached out, her fingers brushing the most gentle trail along the curve of his cheekbone. His skin felt cool, and he twitched slightly but did not wake. More than anything, she wished to brush her thumb against his lips, to watch his eyes flutter open, to have him feel warm again beneath her hand. 

Her decision was made. She was here, and he was coming with her. 

She reached down for his hand, and she pulled.

He didn’t yet wake, but floating as he was made him able to follow her. 

The pull of the Force had quieted now, for the red string had found its other end. Yet if she focused with all of her might, there was a spark of familiar light far, far from where they were, and she made her way towards it. 

The journey felt like it took her years. 

She began to grow tired, his weight heavy on her, but she would not give up. The light did not grow larger than a spark, but she would not give up.

For her sake, and for Ben’s, she persisted. 

Fear began to rise in her throat, choking her. The spark wouldn’t grow. The light was as unreachable as ever. Would she be stuck here forever, pulling Ben hopelessly? 

No. She needed to go back. For Finn and for Chewie. For Poe and for Rose. For Leia, Han, and Luke. 

She closed her eyes and cried out in frustration.

The feeling of surviving on her own, scavenging while always hungry, was nothing next to this.

Training ceaselessly for a year was nothing next to this. 

But she would persist. 

When she reopened them, the light grew.

She pulled even harder towards it, putting every part of herself and her energy into the last push. This was the moment she had trained for, this was the culmination of all of her efforts. 

Saving what she loved.

With a cry and a feeling of leaping back into her own body, she was back on Ilum. Sweat was dripping out of every pore and she was more tired than she could ever remember feeling as she collapsed on the ground. An emptiness accompanied her awakening, one which she acknowledged as being cut off from the Force; but one connection remained, and it was to the man who now appeared on the dais. 

She could feel him breathing as if it was her own breath entering his lungs. She could feel his heart beating as if it were her own.

Scrambling she stood, grasping the side of the dais so she could lift herself. She looked down upon him, clad again in the tunic which had become so familiar. His eyes were wide with shock and when she rose above him, they slowly turned to meet hers.

“Rey?” 

**End of Part One**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end of Part One, and our boy is back!  
> Thank you for your patience with this chapter, it was a challenging one to work my way through. Next stop: Part Two!

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a little while since I've written, so thank you for bearing with my clunky prose while I dust off the ol' writing fingers.


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